Summer Times are Here Again

So it's back to summer days for awhile. The kids are all sleeping in on this official first day of summer break. It was so hot this weekend that we had all the air conditioners cranking...before June! I love the smells of the house in the summer. The heat rises upstairs and warms the wood floor up which gives off the smell of an old house. Then when I head down the stairs there is the smell of the cool air which reminds me of the birth of Madison almost 17 years ago in this very house. We had the air on as I labored with her, and later, afterward- resting under cool sheets with damp hair and my new baby prize in my arms. I have seen the summer come and go in this house for almost twenty years.

In my last post I talked about not wanting to write. And I think what I meant was that I want to write. But life has been so hectic that I am not writing. I hope to get back to more this summer. I will have a little more time in the mornings, and also I am hoping and praying with all my heart that I will get the job I interviewed for and get my weekends back.

I want to start writing down all my memories of working this past year in an Alzheimers center. I want them to be short glimpses, much like the short-term memories of the people they are about. I still can't figure out whether I write poetry or prose, but I know this: I write truth. I love to read fiction but I don't think I can write it.

Yesterday a friend of mine announced that she is not going to blog anymore. She had a variety of reasons for this decision, all of which I respect and agree with. But it's leaving me a bit sad today. We had lost contact for a few years and since we reconnected, her blog is where I would go to catch up on what's going on in her life. I will really miss it. She is a fine, funny writer so I hope she finds another place to do that.

My energy seems to wax and wane with the phases of the moon. The past couple of days were good and I am thankful. Now Nora's swim team is starting up so I will be going to the pool across town several nights a week. I'll be sure to bring a notebook.

Regroup

No time to write these days. Or maybe, no space to get the words out and into the right places. Often, after I wake Madison up for school, I crawl back into bed for twenty more minutes. I feel tired. I feel that I have no excuse, and then I feel I have every excuse. Mostly, I just don't feel driven to write despite all circumstances, I guess.

Or maybe, I'm bored of my own voice, my tiresome presence.

I don't think all writers must be egocentric, or are. But you need to feel like you have something to say to the world that's worth saying and believe that you can say it well. I go through spells where I feel that way. But this isn't one of them. I'm sick and tired of working 7 days a week- this gets more painful the sunnier it gets- and a slew of job rejections have bruised my self-esteem about being a nurse. Navigating the stinky politics of a medical monopoly. I try to slither like a desperate worm, the way I'm supposed to, but I always seem to answer the questions wrong. And it feels like everyone but me has a cheat sheet.

I must have been absent that day.

Within the shabby mess of all that, writing ceases to even be an escape for me so I sit staring at Facebook, watching myself die in the reflection of myself in my computer screen. I've got to shake all that off and get back to more real life and more writing.

Moving On

Nora performed in her last play as an elementary schooler the other night. One of the things I enjoy about that age group is that they haven't grown too cool for stuff yet. They were all up there on stage, singing and chopping out the cheesy choreography with full gusto. Nora had a small part, but she played it well. She used to hate being on stage when she was younger; she'd stand stiff as a board, barely mumbling the words. This time, I caught her glowing a few times. Her three years at the GO Center have been good for her. I look with some trepidation toward the middle school years but hoping this time has built a good foundation for her.