23 July 2011

Here Comes the Sun

My funk finally lifted and I feel brighter. It's Saturday morning and I slept well and I have an itch to make the house look nice today. It's amazing to have the whole weekend again. I'm so thankful.

I went through a spell where there was a house I wanted to buy in the historic district. It was amazing, and the price was ridiculously low as the house was a foreclosure on the market for over a year. We looked at it numerous times as the realtor had given us the code to the lock box. Ultimately though, we had to accept that we would not be able to afford the exterior maintenance on a historic home. The outside is clapboards, which must be painted every few years, and the roof metal but not very nice and the roof job will be a doozy on that house because the back of the house is on a steep slope.

So I had to let the dream go and now I'm trying to focus on getting our house in a state for selling. I'm also now thinking: Brick house. Basement. Craft room. Time will tell. I'm not always the most patient person.

Joe and I went to the beach for a few days and I never wrote about it. I did write some on the beach, though- gritty sand on everything and pink burns on my hands from the writing and the reading. But I've hardly written since I got back.

My friend Cathy asked me recently if I would still write when I was happy. The answer to that is a resounding yes. But not sappy-happy. I hope. These days, most things are a matter of time. I have a small stack of appointments I need to make for the children, still undone. Notes on my year in Alzheimers care still half-entered into Word. Life is spinning too quickly and it scares me.

In October I will become a grandmother at the age of 38. I still don't even know how to process that information. If some of you are sitting there stunned because you didn't know, that's because I went all Southern for a bit and just couldn't talk about it.

And I have a job which allows me very little time to think, or even jot down a thought I'd like to hang onto. I like medical but it's just so fast paced. I truly want to slow down and enjoy my patients more instead of politely cutting them off because I have 3 more patients waiting to put back and a stack of prescription refills to approve and fax back, and what's that? We need an EKG in room 2. I know some people thrive on the adrenaline and the pace, but I don't. Maybe I got into nursing at too late of an age or maybe it's just who I am.

Regardless, it's Saturday and even though the temperature threatens to reach its hands up near a hundred again, I am happy.

15 July 2011


Having one of those spells where I feel in a fog. I'm tired. I don't want to do anything. I feel blank. When I have a chance to write or do something creative, even a small one, I sit motionless and waste the opportunity. It seems pointless at times. Life this week feels like a creaky treadmill, and yet- nothing is wrong. I mean, no- life isn't perfect. But I have 25 hours of work a week and a nice car that for the moment I can still pay for and I have nothing major to feel depressed about. My hormonal and emotional swings certainly feel more intense with age. Just in the past couple of years, I suffer from what I can only assume is PMS. I will feel irritable, sometimes to the point of anger, or I will tear up for no good reason. And I am not one to cry except now and again, when great heaving sobs and wails will finally spew forth from my tough shell.

Maybe sometimes, we just feel blah.

I am still in my ongoing identity crisis about my life in general, my job specifically. Some days I pop my head up and look around at work and think: how the hell did I end up here?! I don't fit in here. I'm too dreamy and creative. Linger too long in the room with the patient. Other days- ironically, like today- I feel like I do my job well and could settle in awhile. Though that involves letting go of the dream I've held for so long that I would eventually use my nursing skills to benefit women in the childbearing year.

But next week, when I'm out of my funk, I will feel positive again and the sun will come out.