Jackass Blues

Yeah, so get this. There is actually a decent heart inside of me. It's there. It's just that generally I seem to come off as more of a selfish, sarcastic jackass than anything else. But- I get jealous. I see my friends, those real live human beings I used to interact with, interacting with each other and I feel left out and jealous. I even get jealous when they leave stupid digital hearts on each others' Facebook walls because then I feel even more funky and disconnected.

But I still love all those people. I just have moods.

I get frustrated at work because I look around and everyone is faster than me, more competent. And worst of all: more flexible than I am. I hover around my familiar little pod (Pod G) and hope I don't have to cover for the other doctor because he might burst forth from the room and announce: Draw up a shoulder injection!

Or maybe: I need methotrexate labs!

And I will bobble around gasping until someone helps me get it all figured out, whether he likes the 21g 1 1/2 inch  needle for that or not. Kick me back into my little pond where I will float around with my eyes averted with shame.

My doctor tells me she wants a 1:1 or a 2:2 and I know what that means- half Kenalog and half Lidocaine, and I can ask if she wants the short or the long needle and she tells me. She is from China. She can't pronounce Methotrexate correctly. But I find it endearing. I love her and I want to be a good assistant to her. Fuck this responsibility business and this climbing of the ladder. Right now, I just want to do my job and clock out and go home and goof off. The guy that trained me to take his place wants to go to PA school. At Yale. Good for him. I want to cut paper in my studio on Harrison St. Yeah, the one I don't own yet.

I want to be a nurse on my own terms. I am lazy. I admire every one of the Medical Assistants I work with and think in no way that I am superior to them.

I saw an old friend yesterday, for about 10 minutes. I meant to tell her that her hair looked great- I hadn't seen her in so long that her hair had grown and had faint bluish streaks in it that caused me to long for my youth. But so much had to be crammed into that 10 minutes that the part about the hair got missed. I thought about what a rotten friend I'd been to her in recent months, too tired and caught up with family to meet her on her porch for one measly glass of wine. Then to have the nerve to feel jealous when I see her reaching out to other friends- even though I'm actually happy for her.

The same goes for another good friend who apparently is madly in love. I am truly happy for her. I just...miss her. And it's not her. It's me. I'm a jackass. But not the worst jackass ever. I think I get more forgiving and loving the older I get. I'm not even (very) mad at the girl from the coffee shop anymore. Slightly annoyed at the guy at Joe's work who gives him liquor. Yes- I admit that. 

I just don't know how to express myself the way I mean to. Want to. There is an okay person in here.

Sunday

And suddenly last night, I slept with my hood up. Suddenly, it's getting cold. Although if I'm sitting in the car in the sun, I feel hot and I can still pretend for a minute that the days and long nights of winter are not careening toward me.

Suddenly, my daughter has applied to three colleges. She knows how to get her transcript sent over.

Time moves too fast and then when I am waiting for something it slows like caramel. Like, waiting for someone to see our FOR SALE sign out front, some young couple full of hope and the prospect of procreating, waiting for them to turn to one another and say, Oh darling.

But allowing each day to be it's own moment, at it's own speed.

i know this moment will pass

Losing my writing, losing myself
in this rat wheel I am on
gogogogogogo
needs and wants pull me around
like pearly taffy
no time left to let my thoughts
sift and congeal
into meaning
who am I becoming
besides a tired person
besides numb
besides resigned
to the parts of life that are
over.