I have become such a fearful person. Driving into Richmond, my heart was in my throat. Will I miss my turn? Hit a one-way street? I was miserable, and yet, I did find my way with no problem albeit minor parking stresses. There always seems to be a kind soul nearby to help me when I feel frozen. And slowly, I learn to move my stiff joints in the scary world. I stay home in my bubble too much. I love my mother, but I don't want to become like her, afraid to do anything new. So I keep pushing myself, painfully.

After the conference, I paid for my parking and made my way to my hotel. Same scared feeling to drive 1.5 miles. Went in to my hotel which is a historic building which has been converted and practically forced my keys on the valet driver. The girl at the front desk handed me a little tiny manila envelope containing 2 big gold keys. This place is totally old school and I like it. Went to my room and wandered around a bit. I didn't even want to go out and find a place to eat dinner alone. But I pushed past that and asked the girl at the desk where I could walk to. She directed me toward a little place on Broad St which she called a "cafe" but the prices were not what I would correlate with a cafe. But anyway, the chicken marsala was great and the wine was half-price so it was a good meal. The venue was an old pharmacy that had been converted. The bar still had above it the vintage sign proclaiming: prescriptions. Antique crystal light fixtures hung everywhere, and I felt at home.

 I do love the city. Despite the grime and crime, and the alarm going of at the pawn shop across Broad...the city is alive with people and art and creativity and freedom. Walking back to the Linden in the warm air,  I felt good. I didn't feel afraid to be out there alone, I simply felt overdressed in my Business Casual. I wanted to be there in clothes I felt like myself in. I could have been, if I'd bothered to change.

And I sense that I need to keep thinking of ways to keep myself alive, before I become too crippled.

Time

I am behind on reading my friends' blogs and on keeping food in the house and getting Maddie's car registered at the DMV. Life is swirling too quickly for me. Life is going well; I just don't have enough time or energy to do the whole schtick. I am learning a new job and working with people who are living with HIV and I really love it so far. HIV is not really a death sentence anymore, not for most people. It's a chronic disease, yet unlike cancer or kidney failure, it's a chronic illness that can be spread. I ponder these things and more at clinic.

My head is cluttered with so many things I want to write about. I've lost so much already. How to make the time.