23 June 2011

Pushing out the doldrums

Last night at the ball game, my daughter drew a tattoo on my thigh with a blue sharpie. This morning, I pulled a pair of red scrub pants over it. I'm not going to shower- I don't feel like showering. I'm in one of those blah moods where I am feeling stuck and unmotivated. I grab my Mighty Mouse top because I know I will need some super power today. The shirt feels like one more reminder that I don't fit in at my job.

We all get accommodated eventually to our situation and begin to complain about it. I wish it weren't true but it is. I was (and still am) so thankful to have a job. Many don't. But after a year of doing the same thing, I feel unsatisfied. I have a longing to find a job that I really belong in and feel like I make a difference. I interviewed for a position I really wanted and after weeks of waiting I find out that they are still interviewing other people. Still holding out for someone better qualified than me, even though several people that work there had put in good words for me. It can be pretty hard to accept that the world really does operate like that. I still haven't heard about the job. Maybe I'll actually get it. But in my mind, I'm moving on. I have to.

I know I need to find peace and happiness within myself and within the life that I have. It's just one of those days where things are foggy. I feel jealous of my women friends who have the luxury of staying home, although I see them complaining just as much about their situations. We all lose our perspectives at times. I feel guilty that my husband has had to support me for so many years and that sees me as useless and dependent, unable to even clean my own filthy car out. I want to be strong, powerful, colorful. I want to be what everyone wants me to be.

I've been listening to old 80's stuff in the car on the drive to and from work. Trying to tap into the strong feelings from that time. Trying to see if those feelings mean anything now, or if they are just relics of a distant past. Working on focusing on the things in my life that I am really happy about- and there are many.


Cathy said...

I doubt it would make you feel any better but I'm envious you are a nurse, have a house, and a new Subaru! I know those things do not equal happiness, but in my mind they equal stability. I'm curious -- what would make you the happiest - a new job? Just being crafty? These are the same questions I ask too (though I have never had a real job, just retail.)

Misplaced Musings said...

I went to nursing school so that I could work in womens health. Forgetting that this is Lynchburg, the land of limited opportunity (unless you're an engineer or a dermatologist). I am in the process right now of making peace with the fact that I'm not doing what I love the most, working with pregnant women. I like my job well enough though it's only PT. Other days, I want to lay this big hat down and go work at a bookstore.