Forty

I turned forty last week. I had a little post brewing in my head with some observations and thoughts that seem petty now. I turned forty; people do it every day. There was snow on the ground, but the laundry room was filled with trays full of bright green seedlings for our garden. Spring is in the air.

As usual, I'm having the usual thoughts about where I'm going and where I've been, but I feel positive about my forties. My children are growing up and I am enjoying a good relationship with them. They are pretty rad people to be around. My grandson is getting old enough to take outside in the yard and kick a ball around with, even if he still falls every few minutes.

My chapbook has been nominated for a Library of Virginia book award, which is pretty amazing. I am celebrating its publication by doing a little public reading at Riverviews later this month. The house band there is working with me to do some musical accompaniment for a few of the poems. It's something I have never done before, and I had such an amazing time rehearsing with them. Their jazz-style riffs brought a completely new life to my words.

Words. I want so badly to get back to some regular writing. Life is so full. The other night I pulled my tattered old copy of Ariel Gore's wonderful writing book out to glean a little inspiration. Her "write when you can" chapter always hits home for me. I must write even a sentence every day, even if just little observations and phrases. I must not lose this. And there is so much I want to say.

I think I am finally making peace with work and the loss of my years of birth work. The birth work continues without me. And it's okay. I love what I'm doing. It can keep me challenged for a long time. I am good at my job and valued by those in my clinic and have been asked for by two other medical offices. I may eventually go back and get my RN. Maybe. I'm pretty content right now.

I have quit the Facebook scene for now, and all of the drama and banality that goes with it. I know I am missing things- I miss being able to share a great article or use my Misplaced Talents page- but the tradeoff is worth it for now. I am exchanging real letters with a couple of friends and working on quality over quantity. I have too much quanitity in most things. Life becomes messy piles of excessive shit and I find myself just wanting the simplicity of a clean floor.

Winter tends to turn me into a gloomy hermit. But now, the sun is emerging and I feel it thawing me out and bringing me back to life. And I am thankful.