15 July 2011


Having one of those spells where I feel in a fog. I'm tired. I don't want to do anything. I feel blank. When I have a chance to write or do something creative, even a small one, I sit motionless and waste the opportunity. It seems pointless at times. Life this week feels like a creaky treadmill, and yet- nothing is wrong. I mean, no- life isn't perfect. But I have 25 hours of work a week and a nice car that for the moment I can still pay for and I have nothing major to feel depressed about. My hormonal and emotional swings certainly feel more intense with age. Just in the past couple of years, I suffer from what I can only assume is PMS. I will feel irritable, sometimes to the point of anger, or I will tear up for no good reason. And I am not one to cry except now and again, when great heaving sobs and wails will finally spew forth from my tough shell.

Maybe sometimes, we just feel blah.

I am still in my ongoing identity crisis about my life in general, my job specifically. Some days I pop my head up and look around at work and think: how the hell did I end up here?! I don't fit in here. I'm too dreamy and creative. Linger too long in the room with the patient. Other days- ironically, like today- I feel like I do my job well and could settle in awhile. Though that involves letting go of the dream I've held for so long that I would eventually use my nursing skills to benefit women in the childbearing year.

But next week, when I'm out of my funk, I will feel positive again and the sun will come out.


Massie Straton said...

I get into those ruts too.

Anonymous said...

Eventually is a long time. I know what you mean though. Seasons and all that. After all you've been through your brain probably just wants a long stretch of steady-state.

Jo said...

Oops, that was me!

Cathy said...

If you weren't blah we wouldn't get to read your writing. Believe me, I've scanned through blogs late at night and the happy ones are freakin' ANNOYING. Won't read them. We want you to be happy of course, but would you still write?

Misplaced Musings said...

Cathy-Ha! Yes, I totally hear you. I think I will still write. Sometimes I do write when happy. Check out my post on "Boys," I really like that one. Since I never want to be "just" a writer, I guess I'll always find stuff to write about.

Anonymous said...

What you describe sounds very much how I described my life to people (when they'd ask how things were going) when I was in my "black place" a few years ago. Mine didn't go away after a week. As you say, I too, had no good reason to feel so *-*-*-* as "nothing was wrong." One thing I experienced that I'm not sure you wrote about (not sure because some parts sound like it might be referring to it) was a sense of surreality sometimes - such as sitting in the passenger seat and looking at the driver and having a hard time understanding I was there and the driver was there and we actually knew each other and supposedly fairly well.

-Jess S.